Growing Up with a Mentally Ill Parent
For individuals who grew up in a household with a parent or caretaker with mental illness, life was more likely unpredictable, stressful and anxiety-provoking. Our relationship with our caretakers shape our internal beliefs and perspective on how the world works. Consequently, a stressful home environment in childhood can have a great impact on us. People who grew up with unstable parents share common experiences. Below are a few of them.
Parentification. Children who are raised by caretakers who struggle with mental illness are often parentified, meaning the roles of parent and child are reversed. Parentified children grow up in family environments that lack safety and reassurance. When children are forced to be in control of their emotional and physical safety it often means that have to anticipate the emotions of their family members. Parentified children grow into adulthood with a predisposition to take care of others. As children they were not afforded the privilege of feeling shame, fear, sadness—even hunger—outwardly, either because expressing themselves would be futile or could make the parent upset.
Self-doubt. It is common for people who have had an unstable parent to doubt themselves and feel insecure speaking opening and honestly. Growing up in a household with inconsistency, manipulation or neglect is disorienting. It can cause people to doubt their impressions or instincts or feel like they have to shrink in order to survive their environment. Children in unstable environments were not afforded the privilege of having parents reinforce their confidence. As adults they often question their value or importance.
Survivor’s guilt. Survivor’s guilt is when an individual feels guilt after surviving a traumatic event. It is common for children to assume the parental role, thus making the ‘leaving home’ experience complicated by enormous guilt. Individuals with attachment wounds may feel as if they are abandoning their family members when choosing to live life on their own terms. It is also likely that a parent shamed the child to perform tasks outside of their role therefore the process of moving into healthy, productive adulthood was overshadowed by the needs of the family or parent.
Difficulty setting boundaries. It is common for people who have experienced childhood abuse or who have had insecure attachments to struggle with setting boundaries and limits. In abusive homes, children intentionally do not assert boundaries in order to survive and stay out of the way. Asserting boundaries may even be perceived as being rude or disrespectful.
People who have parents or caretakers with mental illness have the capacity to turn the past around. We can create relationships in our adult life that are corrective experiences. Therapy and supportive relationships can aid us in releasing guilt so we can reclaim our emotions and feel more confident asserting boundaries. Healing is possible and the past does not have to define us.