Bringing Grief to the Person you are Grieving
Recently I had the opportunity to say goodbye to a friend who is utilizing end of life hospice.
He had a living wake. In the weeks before, I found myself having a profound curiosity about this process. I wanted to intellectually understand what this process was like for him. As the living wake drew closer, my thoughts and emotions turned toward my own experiences with loosing loved ones.
I remember how my very stern grandfather’s eyes became so crystal clear as he got closer to the end of his life. I always knew I was loved by him, but he wasn’t one to overtly express his love. I was 18 and away at college when his battle with lung cancer ended. I was home on a break when he put me on his lap and told me how he felt about me. It was amazing to hear him and so sad to feel his barrel belly be gone and feel the fragility and smallness of his body as it lost its fight with lung cancer. I felt myself as a big adult in a big adult body almost crushing his fragility. At the same time, I was feeling the joy of a little girl who was getting her grandfather’s attention and love. The pure love in my grandfather’s eyes is something that I have found myself searching for in others’ eyes ever since this experience.
When I see it, I want to grasp it.
At the wake of my friend, I found myself wanting to hold on to the grasping of this experience. I did not want to miss any opportunity to show and express love to him and have it be received by him. This kind of intense emotional experience is easy for people to look away from—almost like a fear of being burned by the light we are so attracted to.
My friend was so present and accepting of the wide range of emotions his friends showed up with. He was also able to take in the love of others and be understanding of those who could not stay in the moment.
Typically, we experience grief in private moments or with others who are missing the loved one. We stand around and tell stories and express the love we felt, and depending on our beliefs about where this person went, we imagine their spirit around us and in some way they can see and hear and feel all of the love from these present mourners.
The reality is that no one really knows what happens when we die. We have these various posthumous rituals to help us; those who continue to live and to cope with loss. Most of the time, there is some level of guilt and a review that happens of the type of friend we were.
This living wake was such a gift - an opportunity to be present, to say it, to express it, to love. What a way to transition, having this level of peace. All that needs to be said is said. All that is known is known. As a therapist, I often rely on this quote to help the bereaved manage the grave emotional pain they are in.
“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”
-Jamie Anderson
What if we let ourselves start grieving before they are gone? What if we bring that to them so they experience the profoundness of this love? Bring the grief and present it as a gift of your love.
