When a Therapist is a Victim
We often think of therapists as having their life put together and that they are immune to things like domestic violence.
When a therapist experiences an unhealthy relationship there is an immense amount of shame and a feeling of being an impostor.
In 2010, I was going through a divorce; I would sit in my car and cry and think “what business do I have helping people, when my life is such a mess.”
I felt so ashamed that I had ended up in an unhealthy relationship. I was really good at hiding from friends and family. I pretended like everything was ok for a long time. I put up with verbal and emotional abuse, as well as severe betrayal trauma.
I thought I had to fix the relationship on my own because if anyone knew my struggle, then my legitimacy as a therapist would crumble.
I worked at a domestic violence shelter for years and I intellectually knew all the signs.
During one fight, my ex became enraged. He was getting a cottage cheese container out of the fridge and squeezed it so hard the top popped off.
Everything went into slow motion and I could see if these toxic behaviors did not change, he had the capacity to hurt me. Instead of strangling an inanimate object, my neck could easily end up between his hands.
I could hear my boss from the shelter’s voice in my head, pointing out all of the red flags.
Shortly after this incident, I got my own therapy, I was able to tell friends and family what was going on. I had to constantly remind myself of the reality I was living in.
In some ways it was easier when I was keeping this secret, because I did not want to face the fact that anyone can be a victim.
It’s not easy to share this story, but when I heard the news of Amie Hardwick, a therapist in Hollywood and her tragic murder; I could not help but think of other therapists that might be in domestic violence relationships and might not be seeking help because of the overwhelming shame and stigma.
According, to her friends she lived in constant fear that her ex-boyfriend would kill her. She was a victim who did leave and who did get a restraining order. Still, once her ex-boyfriend saw her after a long period of time, he caused a scene and she ended up helping him calm down. Clearly, he was still unstable. She thought that was just a chance encounter. Her restraining order was expired.
Some might ask why she went to his side. Part of trauma responses include a trauma bond, the misuse of fear and excitement in a relationship where extremely traumatic situations bond people together in a very powerful way. Additionally, her responding in the way he need her to, a form of submission, was a way in that intense moment for her to feel safe. The field of trauma treatment has traditionally looked at flight, fight, or freeze responses to real and perceived threats. Submission is a category underneath freezing which is an immobilization of the body. Submission may feel immobilizing in the body, but the actions look like accommodating, rescuing, and pleasing the perpetrator as a way to stay safe.
We need to listen to victims when they say they are living in fear. We need to strengthen stalking laws and restraining orders. We need more mental health awareness. Perpetrators and victims need mental health treatment. Think of what would have happened if someone else intervened when they saw Amie’s ex-boyfriend’s unstable behavior. What if other people at the event intervened, instead of the therapist who was also a victim.
If you are in the helping profession and in an unhealthy relationship- get help. You are human and domestic violence can happen to anyone. It’s not your job to fix your partner.
By Amanda Gibson, LCSW
