Healing Childhood Sexual Trauma
The path to recovery after sexual abuse in childhood is one that cannot be defined in absolute terms. It differs for each person. What we have learned from survivors of trauma is that the brain and body are incredibly adaptive and will rely on the survival strategies: flight, fight, freeze, submit, and attach to stay alive. In childhood, our bodies and minds find ways to distance ourselves from the trauma in order to continue living life as usual.
Surviving the abuse in childhood can impact the behaviors we observe in our adult intimate relationships. It is not uncommon for survivors to feel unsafe in relationships that appear safe and secure. Another common experience is to feel incredibly anxious or overwhelmed when you are having consensual sex. Our bodies can be remembering a threat that our mind cannot fully understand or that may not make sense to us. This could look like dissociating (disconnecting from one’s body) during consensual sex, feeling a need to use substances when having sex, denying the abuse to yourself and others, fighting with a partner even when you want to be close, isolating, submitting, crying for help, or acting out in relationships.
If you are a survivor and reading this, you may have asked yourself recently, what can I gain from healing? Is there a way to feel differently in my body? How can sex be more fulfilling and less triggering? How can I restore trust in myself and others? You may be ready to move past those survival responses and have more choice in how you experience sex and pleasure.
Healing from sexual trauma and feeling empowered with sex can be a difficult task to take on alone. The work requires discussing two subjects that have been off-limits: childhood sexual abuse and sex. Our society wants to deny or ignore childhood sexual abuse because it requires that we look at uncomfortable truths about sexual abuse in childhood; that abusers are usually family members or friends. One in three girls and one in six boys experience childhood sexual abuse. The avoidance of this issue can lead survivors to internalize even more shame and remain silent.
There are many traditions in our culture that prohibit or discourage women, bodies of color, and trans bodies to express their sexual needs with sovereignty of self, boundaries, and empowerment. Narratives about sex that reinforce submission, negativity, secrecy, and shame provide further harm for survivors of abuse. Additionally, we can all benefit from receiving information about sex that is sex-positive and comprehensive. As much as we see sex in the media and in advertising, we are actually not talking about it in ways that can are beneficial to most people. As you embark on your healing sex journey, you may want to seek out trusted community members, friends, support/therapy groups, or a therapist who is informed and sex-positive. It is important to heal from sexual abuse in an environment that is sexually affirming, safe, and free of judgment.
Restoring safety and empowerment after childhood sexual abuse requires collective healing and support from healthy relationships. The abuse did not happen in isolation and cannot be restored in isolation. We need each other to heal. This is probably one of the most important takeaways from trauma-informed work. It is not your job to carry this shame anymore, alone, isolated, and afraid. You were a child, coerced and manipulated, likely by someone you trusted. You are deserving of safe relationships to examine that which has not been seen, heard, or felt before.
Finding pleasure and being present in your body during sex is possible. It can take time to work through the survival mechanisms your body assumed during trauma to keep you alive. Most people find relief in talking about sex and finding safe ways to process their trauma. Working with a sex-positive therapist who has training in sexual abuse, somatics (mind-body therapy), and/or trauma can be a safe and contained place to continue the healing journey. You deserve intimacy, pleasure, and safety in your body and with others.
Written by Maliyah Coye, ACSW
If you're reading this and would like more resources please visit: http://www.generationfive.org/resources/child-abuse-resources/
