Kink curious

Feeling a little unsatisfied in your traditional (or “vanilla”) intimate relationship dynamics? Maybe it’s just the sex- you’re looking to explore that one thing you read about or saw. Or perhaps it’s a fantasy that you feel ashamed by how much it turns you on.

Kink isn’t all handcuffs and rough sex, but for many, the curiosity starts with a root in shock or surprise. An element like restraint, control, or power exchange may catch your attention but kink expands beyond that in so many ways.

We want to help you explore your emotional response to these new ideas and engage in kink safely.

Kink affirming

When you’ve already spent time developing your kink and engaging in relationship dynamics within those spaces, it can feel overwhelming to start therapy no matter the topic.

Kink can be pervasive, beyond sex and intimacy, as it often becomes a cathartic way to express or explore previous traumas or things you’ve felt denied. Whether you are exploring support in kink or in other areas of your life, you want to feel secure and supported in your therapeutic relationship. We want that too.

If your kink does become a part of the conversation, you will be heard in a nonjudgemental way that ensures your concerns will be heard instead of your choices judged.

Polyamory

Some say we find only one love in this life, but there are many who reject the concept of a single good match- or even just a single good match at a time. Polyamory is not the practice of a man taking multiple wives or a woman taking multiple husbands, though those are both versions of it. Polyamory simply means to be open to love in multiple forms, with multiple partners at once. With the combination of personalities to meld with ours as nearly infinite as the stars, polyamory is a unique option that cultivates the space to explore relationship shapes beyond the traditional single-partner format of monogamy.

Whether you are already living a polyamorous life or feel it may be the most authentic expression of your love, we are here to walk alongside you as you develop space to love yourself and your partners best.

Monogamish

Not every relationship outside of monogamy is a polyamorous one. If you and your partner enjoy a bit of consensual exploration yet crave your intimate relationship being the pillar to which you consistently return, you may fall more comfortably under a different umbrella of non-monogamy: monogamish.

This colloquial term simply indicates that a primary relationship exists but grants the space for other engagements and experiences to occur outside of it.

Often, monogamish dynamics involve the temporary inclusion of other parties, but like all other aspects of non-monogamy, the way this looks is completely up to those participating in it. If you already know what you need, are still sorting it out, or just want to work through the emotions of your non-monogamy, let us lend you an ear and our expertise.

Important intersections of alternative sex culture

While kink and polyamory aren’t immediately related, there are quite a few overlaps in the social circles and communities that often spring up around alternative sex (or altsex) spaces. Within those spaces and relationships, there are a few consistent rules of engagement.

Consent is imperative. It sets the tone for the experience no matter if it’s a one-off or the start of a relationship. It’s important to establish the enthusiastic desire to participate in each step you take together. We can help with the development of your consent and communication parameters, or just be here to support you as you work through it.

There is often a strong focus on empowerment, negotiation and respect. Each party enters a new arrangement on equal footing for asking for what they want, communicating what they need and creating the dynamic that feels fulfilling for them.

BEING KINK AWARE

Non-negotiables

Full of acronyms like BDSM and D/s even just decoding kink can feel a little overwhelming. While kink is bespoke for each person, your non-negotiables don’t have to be. Spend time developing what makes you feel good, curious and what makes you feel afraid or uncomfortable in a safe space with someone who won’t judge you before you begin exploring.

Safety

A unique feature of the kink community is the standardization of the use of safe words. Partners who are either playing in a scene or developing a more long term relationship will develop a word, signal or series of these things to express limitations that will stop, pause or slow the scene in which they are exploring. Using safe words gives each party an emergency exit-a quick out. These are to be utilized universally. Whether you are exploring your interests and want support in developing your safety signals, or feel yours have been violated, we are here to move through those experiences with you.

CONSIDERATIONS IN NON-MONOGAMY

BOUNDARIES

Establishing the spaces where things are open for exploration and where there’s a hard limit is key to creating a healthy space to explore your relationships. Non-monogamy is unique in that it utilizes personal boundaries to create the parameters of each relationship instead of relying on the societal prescribed limitations to the shape of a relationship.

CONNECTION

Just like monogamous relationships, feeling connected to your partners is key. Ensuring you create space for each connection to flourish can feel overwhelming (and it is!) but you get to explore that uniquely with each partner you have, and no two connections have to look or feel the same.

SUPPORT

When you can ask for what you need, and be a part of the support network in your relationships, it makes it much easier and less stressful for everyone. Exploring your requirements for connection, security, boundaries and intimacy with expert support can help you advocate for those things in your own relationships.

OUR PROMISE TO YOU

Opening up to someone in the spaces where your intimacy, eroticism, and vulnerability come up against divergence from what is largely expected in relationships is scary.

We know it will take time to ensure that you feel safe in this space. Take all the time you need. In that time we want to reinforce your right to the curious, authentic exploration of your relationships in therapy.

We Promise:

• Not to assume your kink or poly experiences are why you’re here

• To be conscious of the ways your life feels different because of kink or poly (and the ways it doesn’t)

• There will be no assumption that your non-monogamy is cheating

• Your kink will not be attributed to abuse, trauma or as a negative part of your being

• Not to treat you as if you need a cure for your alternative eroticism

I’ve experienced trauma but still want to explore

For some of us, the things that we’ve been traumatized by can offer us a modicum of healing or power if we revisit them on our own terms. We will not judge you for reclaiming your space amid your trauma, nor will we attribute your interest to the trauma you have experienced.

Healing and recovery are not linear, and neither are the ways we arrive at each. Your trauma is valid, and so is your altsex interest. We can explore both from a trauma-informed and risk-aware space without negating them.

What if I’m not looking for therapy for these things?

If you don’t want or need your relationship dynamics to be a part of your therapeutic experience, that is totally okay. We will respect the boundaries you communicate and help you to explore the things you would like support in.

Even if we choose to remove these topics from your therapy entirely, they are still a part of you. Choosing a kink-aware, poly-friendly therapist to ensure you are safe and remain in a nonjudgmental relationship for your worries and vulnerabilities is important. We want to offer you that safety.

How do I approach my changing boundaries?

Carefully and honestly, we can visit or revisit the things you want to explore or step away from as many times as it feels comfortable to do so. None of your life has to be static, and even your hard limits can move when and only when you are ready. No matter the direction they move in, you will always retain that agency.

Together, we will approach each boundary change with respect, curiosity, and comfort at the helm of every experience. There is no need to stay somewhere you do not feel supported and celebrated, even if it’s a space your boundaries created. Change them, that is your right, and we support that entirely.

I’m worried you’ll judge me

That’s not what we’re here for, but given just how much judgment and shame is woven into our lives, we don’t expect you to take our word for that. We will take our time shaping the safety we hope you will feel in these spaces with us.

There will be no assumptions or judgments made in your therapeutic experience. Your participation in or proclivities for alternative intimate practices are not going to be held against you in this space. We may ask questions to understand but we will never blame, judge, or dismiss your experiences or your alternative relationship dynamics.